Is your child's best friend moving away? Top tips for coping

My eight-year-old daughters best friend is moving to another country. Though the move is still a few months away, she is devastated. I can tell she is trying to make sense of the impending loss and is working things out in her mind.

"When Emilie goes, who will be with me at play time?"

"What about Josie?"

"She doesn't like to do the things I do. She always wants to play tag and talk about Go-Gos. Emilie like to make up plays, just like me."

My daughter has a point. At any age, it's hard when special friends move on. Though you can keep in touch, it changes the day-to-day routine. Something is missing. In a best friend's case -- a big chunk.

I've had a read of the Internet, and here's a summary of the best suggestions:

• There is conflicting advice on what to do about younger children (under age 7). Some say you should delay telling them until very close to the move. They will just worry incessantly about it, and not really understand. Others say you should tell them well in advance, so they can prepare.
• For older children (8 and above) it's best to tell them as soon as you can. Let them have time to get used to the idea.
• Have your child be involved in planning a going away party for their friend.
• Show your child on a map where their friend is moving and look it up on the Internet so they can learn more about it. It can be exciting to learn about new places.
• Have your child make a special gift for their friend. It could be a photo album, drawings of them together, a story. Frame it and give it to them before they leave. When we moved back to the UK a few years ago, a friend did this for us. We still bring it out, look at it and remember them!
• Make a photo album for your child to keep. Or get a Flip and video the two together doing some of their favourite activities.
• Be as positive as you can. Point out that they can keep in touch via email, Skype and even be pen pals!
• Make sure you discuss with the parents ways the two can keep in touch.
• Read them one of the books about friends moving. Often hearing their feelings in a story format can help them understand. At least feel a little better.
• Put your child in situations where they can make new friends. Make an effort to have a playdates with other classmates. Sign them up for a new activity.
• Talk about how your child feels about the move. It's OK to be sad. If they can't articulate what they feel -- help them. "You're going to miss Emilie, aren't you?" "It's very sad she is leaving, isn't it?" "There will never be another Emilie, but you will make other friends."
• Give them space to deal with it. Dealing with loss is a life lesson.

Of course I am sad too! I'm good friends with Emilie's mother and will miss her. I wonder if she would think it was weird if I made her a scrapbook?

Photo credit

Comments

[Liz (LivingwithKids)]

Oh I do feel for your daughter, and I wish there was a way of telling her that as time goes on she'll make even better friends. This actually happened to my sister when she was growing up, not once but four times! Each time she was devastated, but she did make New Best Friends each time. By the time she was 13 (when the last one moved away) she had a solid group of friends who have remained her friends to this day. Being pen pals is a wonderful idea - I can remember having pen pals in the US when I was very small and it was so exciting to receive letters, stickers and so on from another country.

[A Modern Mother]

Liz -- four times! That would give me a complex! Glad it worked out though and thanks for the nice thought...

[MrsW]

I was the one who did all the moving away when I was a child and it was always the friend I left behind who stopped writing first. I think they found it easier to move onto new best friends in a familiar environment with familiar faces, whereas I clung onto the past that wee bit longer, being in a new (and scary) school. If it's any consolation!

[Home office mum]

good useful post. Your poor daughter. It's not fun. I remember moving several times as a child but only once really having a best friend that I had to leave behind. She made me a lovely card with pictures and we wrote to each other. It was ok. Kids are pretty resilient

[TheMadHouse]

What a hard thing, I was lucky and only lost one friend at an early age, but then I am not in contact with any of the people I went to school with. I grew up and moved away!!!

[Liz@VioletPosy]

Oh that's so sad, one of my friends moved to Canada when we were 9 and I was heartbroken, and in those days it was a case of 2 letters and then all contact lost. So maybe they can swap emails and Skype that will make it easier for her or maybe that is prolonging the loss - it's so hard to know what to do?

I think a scrapbook is a really nice idea and I think her Mum will appreciate it.

[Stigmum]

Oh I feel for your daughter! When I was 8 my best school friend moved to Scotland, then my best friend down the street moved, then it was my turn to move, twice, torn away from my friends who maybe I had only known and played with for two years and wanted to play with forever! Maybe all this is what taught me to write! I am also a massive hanger on (in my heart) of people I've loved and thanks to Facebook, it's easier than ever to keep the links open! Life is also lovely in that it introduces you to new people all the time!

[Jen]

I am going to have to deal with this - my son's best friend since they day they started in Reception has been a German boy. Originally they were only meant to be here for one year, so we prepared our son for that, then their contract was extended to 18 months and then to 2 years, but that is definitely it. So my son knows his friend will move back next summer. We're concentrating on the good: "isn't it great you have had L for this long?" and "weren't you lucky to have a joint birthday party this year, turning 6 will always be special" but also encouraging him to take part in clubs and so on that his friend doesn't do, so that he is at least socialising with other children even if not finding a new best friend. Like you, I will be sorry to see my new friend, L's mum, go back home, I'm liking the scrapbook idea!

When I was 6 we moved, I don't remember the kids I went to school for that first year. When I was 9 we moved again, and I did keep up with my best friend from then well into adulthood but that was helped by only being 90 mins apart so our families did visit each other. Not an option when a new country is involved!

[A Modern Mother]

MrsW -- it's tough on both sides, going to a new school is scary

Home office -- it will be fine, I know, just hard to see her go through it

Liz & Stig -- all the social media stuff does much it better than when I was small...

Jen -- I tend to hand out with transients (must be something in that) so it happens often... good luck this summer

[Rosie Scribble]

That's a difficult one. I think you and your daughter should make a scrapbook together. That might help you both. It's a huge loss for your daughter and I do envy the position you are in. It will feel like the end of the world to her right now but in the internet age it is much easier to keep in touch. I was tweeting this morning with a blogger in Australia. It's not quite the same. Maybe I'm clutching at straws here.

[Dawn/LittleGreenFingers]

Lauren Child covered this in 'Clarice Bean - Don't Look Now'. Not sure it'll help, but it's a good read - my 6-year-old loves it! Dx

[Heather]

that's rough, at any age. And I bet Emily's mum would be thrilled with a scarp nook, who wouldn't want to know how much people care abou them?

[A Modern Mother]

Rosie -- I think we will, thanks

Dawn -- I'll check it out, thanks

Heather -- I think she would too ;-)

[nappyvalleygirl]

We moved back from Hong Kong to the UK when I was 8. (We were back 9 months later, but no-one anticipated that at the time!). I do remember it being hard to leave my friends. One nice thing I remember was that they all signed an autograph book for me so I had little samples of their writing and little comments - in fact I still have that book today.

[TooManyHats]

Thank goodness for the internet. It makes keeping in touch so much easier and you can even see each other.

[A Modern Mother]

Nappy -- how sweet!

[Mwa]

It's really hard when that happens. I moved away from my country at fourteen, and I remember my best friend threw up all night.

[April Mitchell]

This was a great post! I remember friends moving as a child or me moving away from friends. It is so hard. These are great suggestions. My Best Friend from 3rd grade made me a little photo album of the two of us and gave it to me as a gift when we moved half a country away. I treasure it still today.

[Pippa]

We moved when I was seven, not to another country although it felt like it to me! I had two friends who I remember I use to play with, but we didn't keep in touch my sister on the other hand kept in touch with one of her friends for a few years as our parents were friends (that is so another story!) so I think that will help!

[A Modern Mother]

Mwa -- and were you OK?

April -- I think we will make a scrapbook...

Pippa -- I guess some friends are for the moment and some for life...

[Metropolitan Mum]

My parents invented the art of moving. I have been to three different primary schools and six different secondary school thanks to the gipsy like lifestyle of my family. It's awful. And it needs a lot of support from the respective parents to keep friendships alive.
A scrapbook is a great idea, I think!

[Iota]

Thanks for those tips.

How we wish we could shield our kids from these things, but they are part of life so often.

[Geekymummy]

Pen pals us a great idea, and with all our new technology so much easier. I remained friends for a long time as pen pals with a friend who moved at about that age. It must be tough to see your kids go through thus, friends are so very important to them

[Swapna Raghu Sanand]

It's not easy for kids to part with their best friends and it gets worse as you get older. I try to prepare my three year old by talking about the fact that his best friend will be leaving soon and that its now time to get used to being without her and that he needs to have fun making new friends who are very different and fun to be with. It's worked most times.

[Insomniac Mummy]

I really feel for your daughter. I think when you're young and your world is still so small (yet those few things you 'know' seem so inexplicably huge) the thought of a friend leaving is very hard to accept.

We moved when I was about 7 and I felt like I was losing a limb leaving my best friend who lived a few doors down. Of course there was a grieving process but soon enough I had new friends, so did she and our friendship gradually fizzled out.

I think your scrapbook idea is lovely and I'm sure they'll both appreciate it.

[Hannah]

I'm sorry to hear your daughter's friend is moving away. It's great that you're doing everything you can to cushion the sense of loss she might feel.
I think the scrapbook idea is lovely - it would be a nice thing for your daughter to have too (even if you decide not to give one to the friend's family) - so she can look back on her time together with her friend.

[A Modern Mother]

Iota -- I know...

Insomniac & Hannah -- scrapbook, yes!

[Bety]

My five-year-old daughters best friend is moving to another country and realize that we only have friends from other countries. We're not able to make German friends. My charm does not work with Germans.
I am terrible devastated we had already plan to visit them in our dreams but her country is so far away...I had in my mind 7 months more to cope and make new friends but I just learn yesterday they leave in 6 weeks, I have cry last night to sleep. At five the teachers told me they have an exceptional attachment that other children at her age dont have.
Alexandra is very much exclusive with her friend and she is going to miss her so much I dont know to cope myself.